The thoughts of an amateur poet…me!!

Finally I’ve manage to compose something!! Haha!! Enjoy it. Its based on a true event.

Perfection marred.

One of the many in this world,

The many forms of beauty I’d gazed today,

So beautiful she is,

The air around stilled as though time itself stopped,

As she sashayed gracefully into the train,

Her hair swayed in concert with her movement,

But alas, a mask of boredom and worry she wears,

And yet many gazed upon her still,

To the point of staring, though the intentions varies,

Ladies, young and old alike, looked upon her,

Some with outright envy as though they coveted her beauty,

Some with contempt as the eyes of gentlemen strayed towards her only,

Others though oblivious to her as the Sandman has cast his spell on them,

Not so for the gentlemen, whom she had every eyes upon her,

Including me, who the unworthy,

Deserve no such privilege to witness such a beauty in front of me,

A beauty akin to that of a siren’s song charming brave seamen to their doom,

Inevitably had drawn my eyes upon her and charmed senseless I was,

Though no sooner had she charmed me,

Her spell shattered into oblivion,

Contempt and outright disgust filled my very soul,

As the siren soon unveiled her true self,

It was Medusa under the guise of the siren,

For as she then looked upon me,

A momentary look of recognition etched on her lovely visage,

Sadly it was replaced by one of arrogance and disdain, even disappointment,

For reasons that I could not place,

Though a few possible I have with me,

Yet, she is still the living beauty marred by a spot of blackness,

A living goddess that rivals Hera herself,

The essence of perfection outside,

The essence of flaw interred.

This is perfection marred.

If it’s bad…dont worry..as usual i can accept criticism coz I still think this poem can still be improved even though I have edited it several times.

Its about time.

My net has finally ceased its disconnecting n connected crap. Hopefully it doesnt happened again. Now I can do my research again for my assignments. Hehehe. N also go online to chat with the people I miss chatting most. Called me a hypocrite for stating in my previous entry that I didnt want to use the net n go online…but I explained tat already…wrote tat in a fit of anger n frustration. Loneliness can kill. I m serious. At least to me. Haha. Ciao then. I have nth much to say except that I am grateful that the net is back online….this time for good.

Hi there.

I would like to say that whatever it is i stated in my previous post has been well largely influenced by my emotions at that time n my reaction as I had stated in the last post, was quite exaggerated. Yes, I had purposely abstain from using my com for a few days…but just a few days not months. Anyway, let’s put all that behind, my emotions got the better of me last few weeks.

Hello there.

The title says it all. I m fed up with loneliness. Even here with my family right now doesnt change much. They don’t seem to be much of a conversationalist. I tried talking to them, try to be chatty, backfired when they didnt really pay me any attention at all. My brother doesnt seem to be very good in chatting with his own brother as well. I hate to say this but at times he seems to be a stranger to me rather than a brother.

Even now, turning to music doesnt really help. I had no idea why but whenever I play it seems that nobody actually listens. I dont really mind at first. Sometimes when I played in the study room when my dad was around, he would always ask the same damn thing: Why can’t you go out and play like your brother instead of playing guitar? The thing is, I gave up on sports already. Its a good thing that he cares but the thing is….he know already that I gave up on sports…I couldnt stand all the masochism there all the discrimination to those who can’t play well. I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SCOLD ME EVEN WHEN THEY KNOW I AM A NEWBIE! N please k, for the love of god…..this is not going to steel my resolve and actually spur me into trying to improve, to some people yes, to the other no. It actually lower their confidence. So please, never think everyone can be motivated by scolding. Hell no.

Anyway, back to my situation, even in college, I noticed that this year, a lot of people are inexplicably avoiding me. I had no idea why, I certainly didnt aggravate anyone, I always smile and talk to them nicely, well most of them. Some exceptional cases really gets into my nerves. I am actually very sick of college, I am sick of the people around me.

I m now considering selling my handphone and never own one for my entire life again as it seems that whenever I send anyone a message, it seems that they are soo reluctant to reply. Some of them I can understand, but at times it really can get into my nerves. Plus, I always message them, most of the time actually, and do they message me out of the blue? N-O! NO!! So why should I own a handphone?

Anyway, back to the music part…why? Why it couldnt really provide me with the necessary company. Because, MY BLOODY GUITAR COULDN’T PERFORM PROPERLY!!! For some reason, whenever I hold the guitar in my teacher’s place it felt sooo different from the one I have. It frustrates the hell out of me most of the time. Sigh. N i have no money to get a new one….still very very far from actually reaching my goal of getting a handmade one. That also my father wouldnt even want to give me at least 100 to lighten my burden.

U know wat? Since I m considering selling my phone, I might as well consider not logging in for a month or so and see how. Maybe a few months. I can live without internet. Besides, what’s there to do over the net? I want to see how many people actually would call me or message me to see whether I am actually ok or alive for that matter. Well, its gonna start soon. I mean why bother going to the net. As if a lot of people actually get excited when i logged in. Hah! That would be the day lah. Well then, tata then. I am off to be really disconnected once and for all. Let’s see if any of you people actually cares.

Hi there.

I m posting some of my earlier poems. For some reason, I m quite fond of this one. Haha. Most probably its because I composed it when I was actually sitting for my SPM! Well, I finished early n i had already double checked it…hehe. Anyway, here it is, edited a little. Enjoy.

Hail and Farewell

Hail and farewell,

O friends of mine,

for this is the time we depart,

our share of bittersweet experience,

shall never be forgotten,

as long as we breath,

and we are all alive,

and keep in touch with each other.

Hail and farewell,

O teachers of mine,

for this is the time we depart,

thy deeds and sacrifices,

ingrained deep in my memory,

shall not fade and,

as long as thou remember me,

be grateful I shall.

Hail and farewell,

O dreadful SPM,

for this is the last time I shall be seeing thee,

thou hast brought me nothing but suffering,

urging me to read ceaselessly,

forcing myself to absorb all the knowledge,

as if a sponge I am,

Aye, a dread thou art.

Hail and farewell,

O good for nothing school of mine,

for this is the last time I shall see thee again,

and I shall depart with bittersweet memories,

that thou hast given me,

Aye, without thou, I would not have the friends I know today,

though a pain thou art to me!

I know its not tat good…even I think so…hahaha. But anyway, if u want to comment on it…n if the comment box thingy in my blog is somehow unavailable, you are welcome to comment in my profile. Have a great day then.

Hi everybody.

Looks like I’ve got bitten by the poetic bug in the most unexpected times…I wrote this down quite a while ago actually…last month I think. Well anyway, here it is.

My Love

Would you dance with me, my love?

To waltzes or tango,

Under the starry night, with the full moon as our chandelier,

The green green grass as our dance floor,

And with nature herself and the starry skies as our audience,

Ah, I’d love to see your lovely smile,

Your eyes twinkling under the light of the stars and the full moon,

Addicted I am to it all and also the exquisite feeling,

Of holding you once again but this time to dance,

Would you not love it?

However, I have to ask you another question now,

What would you say to I love you?

I do indeed love you, it is no joke,

Your beauty caught my eyes,

Your personality interest me,

In the end, I fall for you my love,

I know your heart belongs to someone else,

Someone I can’t compete,

But this feeling for you I can’t deny, I can’t smother it,

And I need to know, though it may hurt me so,

Do you for a single moment,

Ever thought of me out of the blue?

For whenever I closed my eyes, I saw only you my love,

And when I open it, I longed to see you by my side,

Though I know there might not be a chance you would be with me,

At least dance with me, be with me for one day,

Then I can at least have the illusion,

The illusion of having you in my arms,

And I then could say that you had been mine, my love,

With the stars and moon as witness,

For a day.

Well, if you find it corny or sucky or cliched…anything negative.. don’t worry to voice it out…I feel the same way too. Lol!! I never had much confidence in anything I write…i know it could be further improved…guess i need to keep honing my skills… I hope you enjoyed it. Tata.

Am I so insignificant that my parents doesnt support me at all when it comes to music? Am I so insignificant that I am so lonely in college all the time? Am I so insignificant that I am always the last person that everybody would talk to? It has always been me who initiate the conversation…why on earth cant they initiate a conversation with me is something that still puzzles me till today.

Why? Why? Why? I dont want to be insignificant. I did all I could to not be one. But alas, no one took notice of me. I bet that if i didnt sms or go online for a month or maybe a few weeks…NOBODY would even give a damn. They wouldn’t even call to say…Hey wat happen to u? So long didnt go online already, I MISS U…Noooo! They’d rather go on with their lives. In case u notice, I am writing this out of pure anger and frustration.

I am lonely all the time. Even at home. My brother sometimes isnt worth talking to. Some of our topics could even lead to heated discussion and I dont want that. He would love to take every opportunity to criticize my fave teach…I get so annoyed all the times even when i tried to ignore it. My dad doesnt like talking to me so much except if it concern my behaviour, my exams. That’s all. Idle chats r of no use to him. My mother is the only one worth talking to in my family. But I hate it when she doesnt pay attention to wat I said. She doesnt show any interest in most of the things I said. I am bad son for saying this but its true whenever I talk to my mom.

Things never worked out the way I want it to. Not that everybody would get what they want but I feel so frustrated seeing others enjoying riding along with the flow with little effort except me. Maybe its my karma. I dunno. My social life sucked. It sucked so much that I only had a few friends and most girls either despise me or they just put me in the list of uninteresting people. I treasure the ones I had but sometimes I dunno why they didnt bother calling me. Like i said…its always me who initiate the conversation. Most of the time, 98 or 99% of the time, its always me. Am I really REALLY that insignificant?

Sometimes i wonder whether anybody actually understand how lonely I am…esp my parents. Or anybody actually appreciates my talent. Hell…i dont know what I am talented at. Writing? Playing guitar? I doubt tat. I worked extremely hard to be able to play well. None of my family members appreciate my results in playing guitar. They’d rather see my results for my finals in college. So practically everyday i play in my house to an invisible audience. How fun. I’d be the happiest man on earth if somebody would EVEN ask me to play for them something and actually PAYS ATTENTION when i do!!

Sometimes I dont know why some ppl cant understand who I am. I cant click with everybody. I dress differently. I have different taste in music, different type of topic to talk abt instead of crappy old football, games and cars or handphones. My own brother calls me old fashioned in a very sharp n disapproving tone. It hurts more coz he’s my BROTHER. Same goes to my father, though I know its a playful tone but still he meant it. I am traditionalist to him. I m not unique. I am not special. U have no idea how much I longed to hear that word from my own dad and mom. Nobody calls me tat except myself. Except myself…

So am I that insignificant to everybody i know? I think i am. I dont want to be…never wanted to be. All i want was good friends, sharing jokes n laughs with them, them as in my coll mates, my family. I want them to ask me out like my good friends who get great friends in colleges. Usually when they DID ask me out its to skip lecture. I am the black sheep in college. Even the ones who talk to me sometimes would just ignore me totally as though i had just turned invisible. Its all very painful…

Dont get me wrong…i got a good family. I just dont have a good life. I am always lonely. Lonely lonely lonely. I need someone by my side…i need my friends…i want a good social life….but….does my friends wants me by their side? Only till i find ppl who can accept who i am and appreaciate me can my social life be good. And as for tat special person….does she love me? I had no idea. I highly doubt it though. Who am I compared to her other friends she has? Who am I indeed?

In case u r wonderin or if there’s anyone at all bother checking my blog…i had not yet contemplate suicide..I dont want to die. Not yet. Suicide is only when I had completely lost my sanity to loneliness…I wonder why i even bother writing this blog….no one ever reads it at all. Let me guess maybe its due to my writing perhaps? Or am i just so insignificant that everybody would just push aside my name to the deepest recesses of their mind n not bother at all to check on me thus not checking my blog even if it was announced.

I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved. I want to have a good social network. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want my friends to at least regard me as their friend…someone who’s not insignificant. Someone special, unique in a way. I am still waiting to hear those words…i doubt even till the day I die….how wonderful..

Hello everybody!

Its been awhile since I blogged. Hehe. Cant really find any reason to anyway. Lol!! Anyway, there’s something that’s bothering me all the time now. As I am going through my second year of college aka Hell on earth…I m more and more certain that I am actually regretting taking mass communication or media studies in particular.

I just lost that enthusiasm to just continue studying this course. *Sigh* I couldnt tell my parents of course. I would be slaughtered alive by them. So wat should I take then? Well, let’s see…my dreams varied a lot. At first, I wanted to be like my uncle; a computer programmer. So i dived into d world of coms and literally emerged barely alive…the complexity of programming literally turn me off. Then enter writing. I could write. This i know. But not very well and I am never satisfied with my writings no matter how much praise I garnered from friends and family.

Then I thought of photography. Hells, I dont even know a damn thing bout photography but I was willing to learn. Unfortunately, parents doesnt really agree as the career options are quite limited here. So finally, when I was interested in guitar, together with my good friend, we attended our first guitar class despite my parents discreetly disapproved it. It was like magic. The minute I was plunged into the world of guitar music, all the fiery and romantic spanish pieces that our good teacher played for us, i was convinced that this was what I want to do. Playing, teaching and learning music.

And so, I practiced. Though at first my will wavers, but I manage to regain back my confidence and also my enthusiasm. I practiced long and hard until one time 3 of my strings snaps in quick succession within 3 weeks. Haha. I dont mean to brag but I am now a grade 5 student learning grade 8 or even diploma pieces. So wat’s keeping me from pursuing music? I mean I am happy with it, i enjoy it more than i enjoy writing. So why am I whining about it?

Very simple. The answer is not exactly my parents if that’s what u r thinking. No, its financial problems PLUS my parents. The moment I took up guitar, they have never ever express any kind of interest in it. I know they mean well when they want me to concentrate more on my studies than my guitar. But i feel so depressed. To not have the person u love expressing any interest whatsoever in your talents or even hard work kinda brings u down especially if they r ur parents. They do not support me at all. Period.

Plus, I wish I was quite well off in terms of money like my teacher who just totally abandon school life after form 5 to pursue a career in music in france.  *Sigh* I guess I cant get wat I want can I? Hahaha. Well, let’s see…I love music and I love somebody currently. I am forced to consider other career option other than music and the girl? Well, I dont even know whether I am actually in her list of memorable people in her life. I dont seem to be memorable to any girls…

I am only thankful that I have very good friends to pull me through this. Good friends and the dream of becoming an excellent classical guitarist no matter what my parents say. TO the world of music…wait for me…I am coming by hook or by crook. To the girl I love…if u r not to be the one…then so be it. So be it…

I want to scream in frustration and anger but I can’t, I want to rip books apart, tear them asunder till there’s nothing left of them save bits of paper but I can’t, I want to fling the chairs and tables across my study room and see them smashed the windows but I can’t, I want to bang my head against the wall and beat it with my fist and kicked it till my head bleeds, my fist bleeds, and my feet bleeds, but I can’t…I just can’t. I can’t and I can’t and I can’t!! I am so sick of everything…so very sick of everything. So sick and frustrated to the point that I feel like ending my life once and for all…it’s so very tempting to do so…so many people would say that life would look up at me. I ask those who told me that now…when…is it going to happen?!?! WHEN?!?! I have had enough troubles going on in my life already!! So many sickening ironic situation that’s enough to make me put a bullet through my head. I want something good at least to happen in my life…at least something that would ease my burden off…is that too much to ask for?? I have done too much…given too much…sacrifice too much…yet…received too little…or nothing at all…nothing…yes…that’s the word…nothing…nothing…nothing…nothing…nothing…

Hi there everyone.

Here I am now in a cyber cafe near my college, writing to you my tales of woe for today. The minute I woke up today, I knew it’s going to be one hell of a day. And yep, I was right. The bus came late today, and I ended up coming late for my class plus I receive some bad news from my friend that one of our group members couldn’t make it today because she’s sick. How great can that get? Now we don’t have the key member to discuss the production of our magazine and also presentation for film and society. Whoopee. To top it off, the rest of the members fled before I could even do anything. Some went Missing In Action (MIA), some had to go somewhere to buy something and most probably wouldn’t return to college until 5pm that’s when our next class starts. This just keeps getting better and better. Now…if you will, please tell me the most perfect spot for me to just jump down and end my life. *Sigh* I am sick of this…really am…ciao ppl. I will go and take out my anger by playing games now. See ya.