The thoughts of an amateur poet…me!!

Am I so insignificant that my parents doesnt support me at all when it comes to music? Am I so insignificant that I am so lonely in college all the time? Am I so insignificant that I am always the last person that everybody would talk to? It has always been me who initiate the conversation…why on earth cant they initiate a conversation with me is something that still puzzles me till today.

Why? Why? Why? I dont want to be insignificant. I did all I could to not be one. But alas, no one took notice of me. I bet that if i didnt sms or go online for a month or maybe a few weeks…NOBODY would even give a damn. They wouldn’t even call to say…Hey wat happen to u? So long didnt go online already, I MISS U…Noooo! They’d rather go on with their lives. In case u notice, I am writing this out of pure anger and frustration.

I am lonely all the time. Even at home. My brother sometimes isnt worth talking to. Some of our topics could even lead to heated discussion and I dont want that. He would love to take every opportunity to criticize my fave teach…I get so annoyed all the times even when i tried to ignore it. My dad doesnt like talking to me so much except if it concern my behaviour, my exams. That’s all. Idle chats r of no use to him. My mother is the only one worth talking to in my family. But I hate it when she doesnt pay attention to wat I said. She doesnt show any interest in most of the things I said. I am bad son for saying this but its true whenever I talk to my mom.

Things never worked out the way I want it to. Not that everybody would get what they want but I feel so frustrated seeing others enjoying riding along with the flow with little effort except me. Maybe its my karma. I dunno. My social life sucked. It sucked so much that I only had a few friends and most girls either despise me or they just put me in the list of uninteresting people. I treasure the ones I had but sometimes I dunno why they didnt bother calling me. Like i said…its always me who initiate the conversation. Most of the time, 98 or 99% of the time, its always me. Am I really REALLY that insignificant?

Sometimes i wonder whether anybody actually understand how lonely I am…esp my parents. Or anybody actually appreciates my talent. Hell…i dont know what I am talented at. Writing? Playing guitar? I doubt tat. I worked extremely hard to be able to play well. None of my family members appreciate my results in playing guitar. They’d rather see my results for my finals in college. So practically everyday i play in my house to an invisible audience. How fun. I’d be the happiest man on earth if somebody would EVEN ask me to play for them something and actually PAYS ATTENTION when i do!!

Sometimes I dont know why some ppl cant understand who I am. I cant click with everybody. I dress differently. I have different taste in music, different type of topic to talk abt instead of crappy old football, games and cars or handphones. My own brother calls me old fashioned in a very sharp n disapproving tone. It hurts more coz he’s my BROTHER. Same goes to my father, though I know its a playful tone but still he meant it. I am traditionalist to him. I m not unique. I am not special. U have no idea how much I longed to hear that word from my own dad and mom. Nobody calls me tat except myself. Except myself…

So am I that insignificant to everybody i know? I think i am. I dont want to be…never wanted to be. All i want was good friends, sharing jokes n laughs with them, them as in my coll mates, my family. I want them to ask me out like my good friends who get great friends in colleges. Usually when they DID ask me out its to skip lecture. I am the black sheep in college. Even the ones who talk to me sometimes would just ignore me totally as though i had just turned invisible. Its all very painful…

Dont get me wrong…i got a good family. I just dont have a good life. I am always lonely. Lonely lonely lonely. I need someone by my side…i need my friends…i want a good social life….but….does my friends wants me by their side? Only till i find ppl who can accept who i am and appreaciate me can my social life be good. And as for tat special person….does she love me? I had no idea. I highly doubt it though. Who am I compared to her other friends she has? Who am I indeed?

In case u r wonderin or if there’s anyone at all bother checking my blog…i had not yet contemplate suicide..I dont want to die. Not yet. Suicide is only when I had completely lost my sanity to loneliness…I wonder why i even bother writing this blog….no one ever reads it at all. Let me guess maybe its due to my writing perhaps? Or am i just so insignificant that everybody would just push aside my name to the deepest recesses of their mind n not bother at all to check on me thus not checking my blog even if it was announced.

I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved. I want to have a good social network. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want my friends to at least regard me as their friend…someone who’s not insignificant. Someone special, unique in a way. I am still waiting to hear those words…i doubt even till the day I die….how wonderful..