Am I that insignificant?
Am I so insignificant that my parents doesnt support me at all when it comes to music? Am I so insignificant that I am so lonely in college all the time? Am I so insignificant that I am always the last person that everybody would talk to? It has always been me who initiate the conversation…why on earth cant they initiate a conversation with me is something that still puzzles me till today.
Why? Why? Why? I dont want to be insignificant. I did all I could to not be one. But alas, no one took notice of me. I bet that if i didnt sms or go online for a month or maybe a few weeks…NOBODY would even give a damn. They wouldn’t even call to say…Hey wat happen to u? So long didnt go online already, I MISS U…Noooo! They’d rather go on with their lives. In case u notice, I am writing this out of pure anger and frustration.
I am lonely all the time. Even at home. My brother sometimes isnt worth talking to. Some of our topics could even lead to heated discussion and I dont want that. He would love to take every opportunity to criticize my fave teach…I get so annoyed all the times even when i tried to ignore it. My dad doesnt like talking to me so much except if it concern my behaviour, my exams. That’s all. Idle chats r of no use to him. My mother is the only one worth talking to in my family. But I hate it when she doesnt pay attention to wat I said. She doesnt show any interest in most of the things I said. I am bad son for saying this but its true whenever I talk to my mom.
Things never worked out the way I want it to. Not that everybody would get what they want but I feel so frustrated seeing others enjoying riding along with the flow with little effort except me. Maybe its my karma. I dunno. My social life sucked. It sucked so much that I only had a few friends and most girls either despise me or they just put me in the list of uninteresting people. I treasure the ones I had but sometimes I dunno why they didnt bother calling me. Like i said…its always me who initiate the conversation. Most of the time, 98 or 99% of the time, its always me. Am I really REALLY that insignificant?
Sometimes i wonder whether anybody actually understand how lonely I am…esp my parents. Or anybody actually appreciates my talent. Hell…i dont know what I am talented at. Writing? Playing guitar? I doubt tat. I worked extremely hard to be able to play well. None of my family members appreciate my results in playing guitar. They’d rather see my results for my finals in college. So practically everyday i play in my house to an invisible audience. How fun. I’d be the happiest man on earth if somebody would EVEN ask me to play for them something and actually PAYS ATTENTION when i do!!
Sometimes I dont know why some ppl cant understand who I am. I cant click with everybody. I dress differently. I have different taste in music, different type of topic to talk abt instead of crappy old football, games and cars or handphones. My own brother calls me old fashioned in a very sharp n disapproving tone. It hurts more coz he’s my BROTHER. Same goes to my father, though I know its a playful tone but still he meant it. I am traditionalist to him. I m not unique. I am not special. U have no idea how much I longed to hear that word from my own dad and mom. Nobody calls me tat except myself. Except myself…
So am I that insignificant to everybody i know? I think i am. I dont want to be…never wanted to be. All i want was good friends, sharing jokes n laughs with them, them as in my coll mates, my family. I want them to ask me out like my good friends who get great friends in colleges. Usually when they DID ask me out its to skip lecture. I am the black sheep in college. Even the ones who talk to me sometimes would just ignore me totally as though i had just turned invisible. Its all very painful…
Dont get me wrong…i got a good family. I just dont have a good life. I am always lonely. Lonely lonely lonely. I need someone by my side…i need my friends…i want a good social life….but….does my friends wants me by their side? Only till i find ppl who can accept who i am and appreaciate me can my social life be good. And as for tat special person….does she love me? I had no idea. I highly doubt it though. Who am I compared to her other friends she has? Who am I indeed?
In case u r wonderin or if there’s anyone at all bother checking my blog…i had not yet contemplate suicide..I dont want to die. Not yet. Suicide is only when I had completely lost my sanity to loneliness…I wonder why i even bother writing this blog….no one ever reads it at all. Let me guess maybe its due to my writing perhaps? Or am i just so insignificant that everybody would just push aside my name to the deepest recesses of their mind n not bother at all to check on me thus not checking my blog even if it was announced.
I want to be appreciated. I want to be loved. I want to have a good social network. I want to be accepted for who I am. I want my friends to at least regard me as their friend…someone who’s not insignificant. Someone special, unique in a way. I am still waiting to hear those words…i doubt even till the day I die….how wonderful..
July 9th, 2007 at 7:07 am
Dude, you are damn talented in playing the guitar… It is your born talent! And one thing that I know is live out your life and dont search for significance in your life coz it comes to you when you dont need it… Juz play the guitar for yourself, to make yourself feel happy… Never say you are lonely… And Hell yeah there is a friend here who frequently wants to listen to what you have to write in your blog because in your blog I see emotions! Wai Kit, dude you are special my friend… Unique in your own way thats what makes you special… So what if you listen to oldies and all, no one can restrict you from doing what you like! And one thing I really like about you is that you are very true to everyone! You are like the most truthful person I have ever seen, I mean talkin to you really is very fun because you are not like some imposters playin a tune to everythin you juz tell the truth and speak your heart out… So dont doubt your significance in this world! Remember that, one day the girl that you like will like you too and there are a lot of unique and special girls who like oldies in the world out there. You juz need to find one that suits your taste. Peace out, bro. Take care.. And remember there is always a friend here for you whenever you need me! P/S: I think you should forgive your brother. I dont think he means it!
July 9th, 2007 at 7:42 am
Sigh…u r right man…its just tat i m so frustrated with everything…so angry…my anger blinded the bigger picture…well thanks dude for everything. I appreciate it a lot. Thanks again..
July 12th, 2007 at 4:34 am
ur not insignificant kit kit…at least not to those who truly know u…
n i totally understand u venting out bout ur family…the fact is even though they are the ppl whom spend the most time with u, it doesn’t mean they really know who u are…however, often they are the ppl who r gonna be the most critical of you, who u become n what u do in life…one reason being; their family..they think they know best…well, not all the time…nway, bout being ignored by them, u just have gotta understand that everyone has problems going on with their life; worries, contemplations, stress, n anxieties that r probably lingering in their mind. so dun take it to your heart ok…
but personally, i see no harm in being more traditional, it makes u unique. everybody is entitled to have their own interests and aspirations without having to explain them. u like what u like…it’s not a crime that deserves sanctions…
as far as ur college mates r concern, i guess it’s just real bad luck that u haven’t found good friends among them…friendships r rocky stuff, kit…believe me, it can end as fast as it starts and then, there r unfortunate times when u just can’t find ppl u clique with…if ppl disregard u n use u, their not friends…there mere inconsiderate acquaintances…u gotta move away n move on from them…there’s not much advise i can give to u here except; just be who u r n hope as hell someone there will c the true u…
it’s really funny huh…even if we’re surrounded by a million ppl, we can still feel lonely…i know so well the pain of that feeling…n hate that u have to go through it day by day…sorry if i hadn’t been a good friend lately, loads of shit r happenin’ at my end…but i do look forward to this sat…hope we can all make it…do tc kit kit…
p.s: i can be ur invisible audience ^^ always want to hear u play the guitar…
July 13th, 2007 at 9:34 am
u r not insignificant u see, well, here i am reading ur blog rite? honestly, i really admire ur passion for guitar and music. u really put in alot of effort in practising it.. better than me at least, i have NO talent at all in almost anything…
so, really shouldn b sad about urself.
cheer up!!
September 18th, 2007 at 8:54 am
no ones insignificant… for u see, with effort, even the slight flutter of a butterfly can cause tidal waves the world over… ‘Chaos Theory’.
Depends on fate, one thing leads to another, negative thinking aint getting u nowhere..